Parents x2

Dear Blogworld,
It's been awhile...and this family has been BUSY! The most important news item is that we are expecting our second child on or around February 18th! As our family grows, Jaime and I feel more and more blessed to have the opportunity to be parents to Abby and her little brother or sister. We are fully aware that not everybody is granted this particular life role, and we humbly and gratefully accept the gift of parenthood.

7 weeks, 6 days

11 weeks, 6 days

11 weeks

However, with great blessing comes great responsibility. So far, this pregnancy has been vastly different from the first. On the positive side, I'm not nearly as plagued with chronic morning sickness! Hallelujah! On the more challenging side, I've already gotten a taste of having to put Abby's needs second. For 20 months now, she has always come first. I've been at her beck and call, meeting her needs immediately to ensure that she trusts me and feels secure in our relationship. But now, pregnancy fatigue takes over in late afternoon and I just CANNOT GET OFF THE COUCH! I just can't play "going to the market" one more time. I just can't draw one more damn cat (see previous blog on "mow mows"). And I can barely stand to read "Go Dogs Go!"for the fifth time in a row. I feel horribly guilty about it, of course, but my body (and Little One #2) is telling me otherwise. And poor Abby just has to be patient and wait -- a completely foreign concept to a toddler. So what have I done? Well....more Curious George DVDs!!! That's been a good solution. And more help from my mom and awesome babysitter. Abby is already forced to learn the role of the "oldest": entertaining oneself while the younger one is being attended to, accepting delayed gratification, and sharing her mommy with another little being. Sometimes I feel bad that she's already being socialized into a role that is all too familiar (to both Jaime and I!). But other times, I'm excited to see her change and grow because of a new little person in our home. As our family transforms, so will Abby.

Another challenging part of this second pregnancy is the simple knowledge that our parental load will be DOUBLED. Jaime and I have already talked about how great it is that we can switch back and forth with Abby (with diaper changing, bath time, bedtime routines, at restaurants, and at all social events). But in the near future, we will literally have no break. One of us will always be with one child -- at least while they are this young. And what if we have more children and they outnumber us?! How do people do it?! Then poor Abby will really be parentified and have to embrace the "oldest" role.

All in all though, we are excited! Hearing Little One #2's heartbeat is just as amazing as it was hearing Abby's. (Side note: When Abby heard the the baby's heartbeat for the first time at the doctor's, she was amazed and after he turned the machine off, she said, "One more?" She couldn't get enough of that beautiful sound!). Our hearts are already naturally expanding to love this child as much as we love Abby. God has given our hearts that capacity, and as I wrote above, we humbly and gratefully accept this gift.

So here is to pregnancy cravings, wild hormones, gender pondering, a patient husband, and an awesome big sister!

The Art of the Nap

If you are a parent, you know that there is a special art to napping. It involves several factors:

• Optimal time of day -- no earlier and no later, or else it screws with the rest of the day's schedule and bedtime
• Routine -- a special pre-nap routine that sets the tone for a good nap. Here's where you can get creative. For example, Abby needs to say goodnight to every stuffed animal and have me sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" before placing her in the crib. These are her conditioned stimuli to the conditioned response of sleep!
• Environmental needs: Things like a dark room, no crazy outside noise (like leaf blowers, construction, kids yelling outside), etc. Abby uses a white noise machine to block out the sounds of the city (ocean waves are her favorite!)

If you're not a parent, you're probably wondering why I described napping as an "art," rather than a "science." This is because no matter how great your formula is (time of day + routine + environmental perfection), some other X factor gets in the way. It could be your child's mood, your mood, teething, illness, activity from earlier in the day, hunger, or whatever. You have to navigate these X factors and somehow finesse them so that you still achieve the end goal: a good nap. Because we all know what happens if a good nap is not achieved: TODDLER TERROR!!! So believe me when I tell you that developing this art is crucial to a happy home.

For me, one of the worst X factors is driving in the car around nap-time. This can often lead to a no-nap day. And excuse my tone, but I HATE NO-NAP DAYS!!!!  The 2 hours of peace and quiet I get each day are vital to my health. If I'm deprived of this, I go absolutely nuts and turn into a crazy person. Seriously. I. want. to. pull. my. hair. out. 

Here's the scenario of a typical No-Nap Day, like today:

1:00 p.m.
We've been out most of the morning and are driving home around Abby's nap-time. Abby is starting to nod off in her car seat and I do everything I can to keep her awake. Why? Because literally, if she falls asleep for more than 5 minutes in the car and I transition her into our home, she'll wake up and her body resets, thinking, "Wow, what a great 10 minute nap! I'm so rested! I won't need another one of those the rest of the day!" (Which is, of course, completely untrue when in comes the Toddler Terror around 4 p.m.). However, if she falls asleep for less than 5 minutes, then for some reason the transition is easier and I can dump her in her crib, still fast asleep.

Ok, back to keeping Abby awake in the car to prevent this >5 or <5 minute scenario...
I roll down the windows on the freeway. I turn the volume up on Kiss FM waaaaay loud. I throw unhealthy snacks at her to munch on, like fries or cookies. I do major unsafe driving and reach behind my seat to shake her little legs. Nothing works. The heaviness in her eyes sets in and it's all over.

She's asleep.

And we are more than 5 minutes away from home! Oh sh*t!!!

1:15 p.m.
I carefully try to transition her out of her car seat, into my arms, into the apartment door, up the stairs, and into her crib. FAIL. She wakes up. I decide to put her in anyway, just to see....  I go downstairs, hear nothing on the monitor and naively think, "Yes! She's fallen back asleep and I can now eat and rest!"

1:25 p.m.
I hear babbling through the monitor.

I wait a few minutes and it's clear she's not falling back sleep. I go in, and she's hungry. Oh yeah, she didn't eat a "formal" lunch, just snacks. So we go downstairs and I feed her lunch.

2:10 p.m.
Change diaper, re-do the nap time routine, and put her back in the crib.

2:30 p.m.
Happy babbling noises from the monitor. Arghh!!!

I go in, realize she's pooped again, and have to change her. Oh yeah, that's another "factor" in the art of napping: poop. For some reason, if Abby has pooped at the beginning of the nap, she cannot fall asleep. It's all over. So I do our nap-time routine for the 3rd time and put her back in the crib.

2:40 p.m. 
More happy babbling noises. Double arghhh!!! (In reality, lots of cussing going on my head...)

I leave her in there for 1 hour, hearing my daughter joyfully talk to herself the entire time. It may sound mean, leaving her in there for so long by herself... But I promise, she was perfectly content. Today is actually the first time I've done it. Why? Because I was tired, hungry, needed a break, and still naively thought that she maybe, JUST MAYBE, would fall asleep if I left her in there to do nothing.

3:40 p.m.
I go upstairs, greet Abby with a, "Why haven't you slept all day?!" and get her out of the crib. We play "tea" with her stuffed animals, read storybooks, and I pretty much give up any hope for a nap. After all, now it's getting too late and will affect bedtime if I try any longer...

4:30 p.m.
As I predicted, TODDLER TERROR has arrived! I'm so frustrated that I decide to try -- just once more -- to put her down for a nap. I know, I know, I know she's tired. I just know.

4:35 p.m.
Fast asleep.
I'll deal with the consequences of an extra-late nap time later. For now, there's some peace.

Do you see the "Art of the Nap"?  It requires using in-the-moment instinct and judgement. It requires patience and anger management. It requires lots of prayer and hope. It's an undefined art that mothers practice daily. And until you've experienced it, you'll never know why one spends the entire afternoon perfecting the art until a nap is achieved. It's THAT worth it, believe me!

I guess in the end, I didn't have a No-Nap Day!
Excuse me now, as I settle into pure bliss... =)

Our Favorite Things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens

Brown paper packages tied up with strings

These are a few of my favorite things...

Sometimes it's the little things that can "make" our day, dontcha think? I'm not talking about  the big, obvious things like family, marriage, children, love, etc. I'm talking material, even silly things that can seem superficial and meaningless to others -- but just make us smile. Each of us has that certain list of favorite things that is unique and personal to just you. I've decided to share my, Jaime's, and Abby's personal lists. They are each very different, and reflect just the current favorite things of the day; they are not all-encompassing of our lifetime of favorite things and they are not in any particular order. Take a look and smile with us:


Jeanne's Favorite Things:
1. Morning coffee (Peet's Major Dickason's blend or Einstein Bagel's Vanilla Hazelnut) 
2. Re-watching Ally McBeal episodes
3. "Everything bagels" with onion & chive cream cheese
4. Coconut chocolate donuts
5. Tresemme curl activator spray + curling iron
6. British chick-lit (translation: girly novels written by British authors)
7. Spicy tuna rolls
8. Sparkling water 
9. Kohl's (especially Lauren Conrad's line)
10. Mojitos
11. Larry Mantle on KPCC
12. Secretly dancing when nobody is watching
13. Massages
14. Boots (all kinds)
15. Jewelry making 
16. Blogging
17. "White Citrus" scent from Bath&Body Works
18. When Abby takes long naps so I can have a break! 
19. Target
20. Pictures of Abby


Jaime's Favorite Things:
1. Gardening
2. Transformers
3. Blueberry pie
4. Grandma Kay's apple pie
5. Marvel comic book characters
6. ESPN (and anything related)
7. A&W Rootbeer 
8. Watching movie trailers on apple.com
9. Guiness beer
10. Mario Kart
11. Shooting hoops
12. BBQ flavored chips
13. OSH (Orchard Supply Hardware)
14. Best Buy
15. Dyson products
16. Dan Patrick radio show podcasts
17. Shoyu hotdogs
18. Final Fantasy video games
19. USC sports teams
20. Pictures of Abby


Abby's Favorite Things
1. Purple crayons (drawing and eating them)
2. Cats (see previous blog)
3. Curious George
4. Goldfish (the crackers -- not the real ones)
5. Blueberries
6. Playing at the park
7. Abby Cadabby from Sesame Street
8. Babies (animals and the human kind)
9. Dancing
10. "Ya-ya"s (her blankies)
11. Balls (especially basketballs)
12. Pretend driving
13. Pretend "scrubbing" the floor (will come in handy later!)
14. Animal noises
15. Reading her storybooks
16. "Talking" on a cell phone
17. Going to the zoo
18. Picking (and eating) cherry tomatoes from Daddy's garden
19. Dora the Explorer kids armchair
20. Pictures of Abby 


Speaking of #20 for all three of us, here are a few of our latest pictures of Abby -- sharing a bit of our family's common favorite thing: 

A day at the L.A. Zoo: enjoying the new elephant exhibit

Dolled up on Easter Sunday!

And now the question is, will you please share a few of YOUR favorite things? We'd love to know!

"Mow Mow"s and Gender

At the moment, Abby LOVES cats. She calls them "mow mow"s (translation: "meow meow"). She goes into hyperventilation mode whenever she sees one, whether it be real or in a cartoon. She absolutely adores them. Not only that, she makes us draw multiple "mow mow"s a day with her crayons. In every color. I'm an expert now. Look, here's an army of "mow mow"s I drew just the other day, at her command:

The "mow mow"s make her happy -- she smiles at them, laughs, and kisses them. It's no wonder that she also loves the classic girly girl cat of all time: Hello Kitty! Nobody taught her to love the Sanrio mascot. In fact, Jaime and I originally swore to ourselves that we would not let our daughter become obsessed with such an expensive commercial product. But after receiving a couple of Hello Kitty gifts from her grandma, she was absolutely smitten with the cute "mow mow." We can't pass the Sanrio store at the mall without Abby doing one of her hyperventilation numbers, dying to kiss the hundreds of "mow mow"s on display.

This brings me to the topic of gender. What is it with girls and Hello Kitty?! Is it a learned phenomenon, modeled by others to little girls from childhood? For example, Abby receives a Hello Kitty purse (you can also substitute in this example any stereotypical "girly" item, such as princess paraphernalia, dolls, and "playing house" items). She explores the item, as any typical toddler would do, and then promptly receives praise for interacting with it ("How cute!" "Let's take a picture of you with it!" "You look so pretty with that!"). She then forms a schema in her mind that these feminine toy items are acceptable, and that she will be rewarded for playing with such items. Moreover, all of her little toddler girl friends also own the same kind of items, perpetuating this schema. Thus begins the social modeling of her gender identity formation.

Or, is Abby's love for feminine toys -- because she does love all the "typical" ones -- simply because she is innately a feminine creature? Jaime and I never intentionally taught her to adore Hello Kitty, dolls, necklaces, tea parties, purses, etc. But she is drawn to them in a way that sometimes seems to go beyond the explanation of social modeling. Is it in her God-given genetic code to be attracted to delicate, pink, girly things?

It's the classic nature versus nurture debate, unfolding in my household. I will certainly admit that Abby learns and imitates my feminine behavior. She sees me swing my purse over my shoulder countless times, so she swings her Hello Kitty purse over her shoulder. She sees me brush my hair and do my makeup; so she tries to comb her hair and put in her own hair clips (don't worry, no makeup yet!). She sees me prepare her meals and feed her; therefore, she wants to spoon-feed her stuffed animals too. Just like Mommy. It's flattering, really. But I believe it is more complicated than simple imitation and social learning. The truth is, sometimes I look at her, and I see femininity oozing out of her -- from her very core. Like she can't help but be, well, girly. It's as if she was meant to be feminine. I'm not arguing that all females are "meant" to be stereotypically feminine. Not all females should be; that would be a boring, predictable world! But my Abigail seems to be -- at least for now:

Total girl: shopping at H&M with a cell phone, purse, and rad pink leggings!

Pretty in Pink!

On the other hand, Abby is also extremely attracted to cars and balls. So perhaps that blows my "Abby is traditionally feminine" statement out the window. But cars and balls can feminine as well, right? We may just need to re-examine what "feminine" actually means... Perhaps it isn't just Hello Kitty, pink, and traditional girly stuff. I'd like to think that femininity also encompasses strength, compassion, courage, and strong will. And I'd like to think that besides hair, makeup, and purses, I can "model" these qualities as well to my daughter. In fact, it's a definite goal of mine. And in the end, Abby herself will define what it means to be feminine -- what it means to be a woman in this world, and what kind of woman God has created her to be. Perhaps femininity is different for every little girl, and for every grown-up woman. What do you think?

Tears, Tantrums, and Tornadoes

My 16 month-old beautiful baby girl has become a full-fledged toddler. I'm talking tears, tantrums, and tornadoes in the Clevenger household! If we don't let her have something (e.g. our cell phones, the camera, scissors, poisonous berries), she'll stomp her feet and cry. If we don't let her do something (e.g. stand and jump on the sofa, type on our expensive Mac keyboard, climb in the dryer, chew on crayons), she'll flail her small body on the floor (in true dramatic fashion) and weep. Her face crumbles, eyes closed and mouth opened wide in a turned-down frown, and there is a few-second pause of silence before -- wait for it -- SCREEEEAM!!! We hold her, rub her back, tell her it's okay to be angry (hey, I'm a psychologist -- we gotta name and validate her feelings), hold firm to our rules, and wait for the storm to pass. The poor girl, like all toddlers, doesn't know how to express her anger appropriately. Do most adults? Thus comes the hitting. I have no idea what to do about that -- especially when it's directed at us. So far, we just catch her arm in its mid-air striking pose, and tell her, "It's okay for Abby to be mad, but not okay to hit. Gentle touching only..." I want to give her some kind of alternate, safe way of expressing her anger. But she's 16 months. Telling her to take deep breaths and count to 10 isn't exactly realistic at this point...   Any ideas out there from parents?

Don't get me wrong; witnessing Abby's strong-willed, spirited personality bloom has been one of the most amazing things about being her mother. I'd rather have a strong-willed child than a weak one! But it has also been one of the most challenging. Seeing as I'm not the most patient person in the world, this tantrum toddler phase is truly a test. In fact, there are times when I want to throw a tantrum, dang-it!!! Some days, her frustration tolerance is particularly low -- and so is mine. I think, "Wouldn't it be nice if I can stop being a "model" for my child and stomp my feet too? I would like to throw myself to the ground and scream for not getting my way!" Think about it. Don't you fantasize about throwing tantrums yourself? It seems wonderfully cathartic. But alas, Abby is allowed to be like this because it's developmentally normal and appropriate. But for a 30 year-old woman? Nope. It would seem immature, selfish, and just plain crazy. But I can't help thinking how good it would feel -- just to let my emotions be open and raw, in its purest "in-the-moment" form, just like a toddler...

And then I slap myself back into reality.
Deep breaths, Jeanne. Count to 10. Deep, deep breaths...

The Bomb

The last 16 months – no, make that 25 months (which includes pregnancy) – has been a whirlwind of change. As a psychologist, I know that a new marriage is supposed to be higher on the “stress scale” (50/100) than pregnancy and having a new child (40/100). But for Jaime and I, our ratings would be entirely different. Our transition into marriage was natural and easy, probably because we had dated for so long before tying the knot. Five and half years ago, I would have rated our new marriage at about a 25 or so on the stress scale. It certainly shook up our lives, but we settled pretty quickly. See? Don’t we look happy?

Having a child, however, has been a different story. Literally, a BOMB went off in our nice, predictable Clevenger household. I would give it at least a 90. At least. I mean, just look at the explosive impact on the the first day it came into being:

The bomb, whom we shall call Abigail Mei Clevenger, has been the most life-altering, challenging, uncontrollable force imaginable. Nothing (and I mean not any amount of books, talks with friends, or even Google!) could have prepared us for the sleep deprivation, heart-wrenching unstoppable crying, and general anxiety of not knowing what the heck we were doing. See, Jaime and I are both the oldest children in our families. Over-achievers. Leaders. Perfectionists. Always in control. When our Level 90 bomb went off, our solid self-concepts turned upside down and shattered to pieces. We certainly were not in control, could never be perfect, and couldn’t study enough to get an “A” in parenting. Any parent will testify to that. And while this may seem logical enough to you, it was especially difficult for me. Like I said, my former identity was shattered to pieces. Like Humpty Dumpty, how was I supposed to pick them up and put myself together again – all while raising a baby?!

But God knew what He was doing by breaking us down.

See, the explosion ultimately gave us the most BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING, SPIRITED, LIFE-GIVING creation – far beyond what we could have imagined when we dreamed of her. Abby is fun, loud, strong-willed, and curious. She loves animals (especially kitty cats and Curious George), and her laugh is infectious. 

How could we not love this little girl with all our hearts? It is an absolute HONOR for Jaime and I to be her parents, and we are humbled every day by how much the Lord teaches us through her. 

And my shattered pieces? Well, they’ve been picked up and I’ve gradually been putting them together in the last 16 months. But this time, the image they’ll make will be different than my former self. It will be new. Because I have been transformed by motherhood. And I am so thankful. 

First timer!

Hi everyone! The Clevenger Family has finally joined the blogging world, after much pressure -- and design help -- from my sisters-in-law (thanks Rachel and Kelly!). I'll try to update you as much as possible about our family, including "in demand" photos and videos of our little Abby! I'll probably also post some random thoughts about life, so bear with me as I philosophize to the public =) I need to finish the details of this design now, so I'll be back soon with a more "formal" post. Take care all!