The Bomb

The last 16 months – no, make that 25 months (which includes pregnancy) – has been a whirlwind of change. As a psychologist, I know that a new marriage is supposed to be higher on the “stress scale” (50/100) than pregnancy and having a new child (40/100). But for Jaime and I, our ratings would be entirely different. Our transition into marriage was natural and easy, probably because we had dated for so long before tying the knot. Five and half years ago, I would have rated our new marriage at about a 25 or so on the stress scale. It certainly shook up our lives, but we settled pretty quickly. See? Don’t we look happy?

Having a child, however, has been a different story. Literally, a BOMB went off in our nice, predictable Clevenger household. I would give it at least a 90. At least. I mean, just look at the explosive impact on the the first day it came into being:

The bomb, whom we shall call Abigail Mei Clevenger, has been the most life-altering, challenging, uncontrollable force imaginable. Nothing (and I mean not any amount of books, talks with friends, or even Google!) could have prepared us for the sleep deprivation, heart-wrenching unstoppable crying, and general anxiety of not knowing what the heck we were doing. See, Jaime and I are both the oldest children in our families. Over-achievers. Leaders. Perfectionists. Always in control. When our Level 90 bomb went off, our solid self-concepts turned upside down and shattered to pieces. We certainly were not in control, could never be perfect, and couldn’t study enough to get an “A” in parenting. Any parent will testify to that. And while this may seem logical enough to you, it was especially difficult for me. Like I said, my former identity was shattered to pieces. Like Humpty Dumpty, how was I supposed to pick them up and put myself together again – all while raising a baby?!

But God knew what He was doing by breaking us down.

See, the explosion ultimately gave us the most BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING, SPIRITED, LIFE-GIVING creation – far beyond what we could have imagined when we dreamed of her. Abby is fun, loud, strong-willed, and curious. She loves animals (especially kitty cats and Curious George), and her laugh is infectious. 

How could we not love this little girl with all our hearts? It is an absolute HONOR for Jaime and I to be her parents, and we are humbled every day by how much the Lord teaches us through her. 

And my shattered pieces? Well, they’ve been picked up and I’ve gradually been putting them together in the last 16 months. But this time, the image they’ll make will be different than my former self. It will be new. Because I have been transformed by motherhood. And I am so thankful.